an experiment in learning to love myself

I didn't have a healthy amount of self-love...

"Thorn" -Click Image to see in Shop

It all started when I realized I had been making life choices that proved that I didn't have a healthy amount of self-love.  I used to think that by doing and becoming the best wife, mother, daughter, housekeeper, worker, etc that I could be, I would be worthy of love.  When I didn't get the reactions I had hoped for, I would spiral into self loathing, and try even harder.

​...RECIPE FOR DISASTER.

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Not only was I miserable, but those inner feelings of sadness and self loathing, were palpable to those around me - which made them feel on edge.  I finally discovered I needed a huge change when I started feeling that maybe life was just too hard.
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​It's since been a journey of healing, and exploration.  Both of my world view and of self discovery.  This is where my love for figure paintings comes in.  I often paint to work through an emotion.  I choose colours and brushstrokes carefully to evoke feelings and moods.  It's a sort of self therapy.  It is one of the outlets I use consistently.  Yet I needed more.

Enter scouring the web, social media, books, therapy - anything, that could finally help me figure my crap out.   To be honest it's an ongoing endeavour.  But when I come across something especially helpful- I just need to share it.  When I found Lisa Cybaniak, I was moved by her story, and recently read the article on her blog about actual actions that could help us grow our self-love.  Make sure you go back and read it here.   For now here are the ...

...4 steps, and what I learned in applying them

1. WHO ARE YOU?

This is where I had to be grateful about an aspect of myself.  EEK.  Okay here goes...

• I'm grateful that I'm extra sensitive, because even though I can get hurt or offended easily, I can also empathize.  I also think it helps me get deeper in my paintings, because I interpret feelings deeply.  I can now love parts of myself that I had seen as flaws in the past.
• Even though I feel pain from life's experiences, like growing up extremely sheltered, or getting into an emotionally and abusive relationship, I'm grateful that I can empathize more with the struggles of others, and hopefully share my journey of growth thus helping them.  I can now look at painful memories as catalysts to growth.

        2.  WHY ARE YOU DOING THE THINGS YOU ARE DOING?
Here I needed to explore ways I could be self sabotaging myself.  ...not me!  well, maybe a little

• Why don't I exercise consistently?  Still struggling with this one, but I think it boils down to time and energy.  Yet I want more energy, and probably with more energy I'd end up with more time to put into the pursuits I love.  So this one stays on my "keep improving" list.  She did say the first step is acknowledging where we are not putting in our full effort and figuring out why.  
• Why do I sometimes do laundry when I should be working on my business.  Well, Lisa spoke to this in her Facebook group as well.  I know how to do laundry, I won't fail at laundry.  Yet by prioritizing laundry, I'm procrastinating at succeeding in different levels of my business because of fear of failure.  This was a huge aha moment for me as a single mom.  I now schedule time to work, and laundry is generally not included in this time - at least I'm more aware of the trap and what I was actually doing by putting housework over my business.  I now see my business, my pursuits and my health as valuable, not just because it benefits others.

       3.  WHAT DO YOU DESERVE? (step 3 ties directly with step 4)
Don't feel selfish asking yourself this.  Only by setting great goals, do we have the chance to achieve them.  
I deserve / want:

• a business that allows me as a single mom to have time for my children 
• to be treated with kindness and respect by my friends, partner and children

      4.  RECOGNIZE OPPORTUNITIES AS THEY PRESENT THEMSELVES
Where have I missed or grabbed opportunities, and how the difficulties I've faced today have actually benefited me...

• I used to be afraid of flying, and I'd prefer to not be in the spotlight.  I took a chance and went' to California last fall for Fierce Con 2018 LA, an event celebrating women.  I was honoured to be a sponsor and paint a portrait for one of the attendees.  Now I have created friendships with women around the world, who support me emotionally, and in my art.  If I hadn't taken the chance to reach out to the organizer, or to take the flight there, or to offer a painting for one of the women attending, I would have missed out on so many friendships and opportunities.  I now see myself as stronger and more competent.
• A difficulty I face daily as a single mom is time management.   This one is a constant battle for me.  Yet with Lisa's formula, instead of wallowing in self pity, I can look at it as an opportunity to prioritize creatively,  and stream line my work flow.  It's not perfect, but with a better viewpoint of my situation, I feel empowered rather than defeated.

Healthy Self-love, here I come!

Even though as humans we still need connection, and acceptance for our emotional health, I no longer look only for outward sources of approval.  I am gaining the tools to see where struggles have made me stronger, what parts of me just need a little polishing to shine, what opportunities need to be grabbed to catapult me forward, and how new perspectives can shift my view of my situation.  

"Liberty's Shore" - Click image to see in Shop