I thought I'd have everything figured out...
When I was young I thought that once I was an adult, I'd have everything figured out. So once I had "grown up" and still questioned myself or my decisions, I thought that something was wrong with me . Now I realize that our life is a journey of growing, learning and constantly figuring things out. I also know that I'm not alone in these feelings. This painting "Labyrinth" portrays the feeling of not knowing which decision is right or wrong. The times when our thoughts swirl, and every decision seems right and every decision seems wrong. What I've learned is that when we are faced with decisions these are opportunities for growth.
However until I learned that making difficult decisions could lead to great inner growth I stayed in a state of confusion. Afraid to make a monumental mistake. At one point in my journey I even chose to stay in a damaging relationship because the thought of leaving was too terrifying. There were would be too many disapproving glances, too much loss, too much shame. Yet my choice to stay also affected my health and my children. In that state of not making a difficult choice I began to feel as if I was drowning and no one was around to rescue me. Thus was born the painting here titled, "Descending". Even though it often felt hopeless, the light still filtered through. There was still some spark of hope remaining inside me.
I guess a part of me refused to give up on my hope for a peaceful life, to be valued and liked for who I was. In this painting titled "Valor" I painted the part of me that chose to look forward to a better time where my spirit could soar and fly free without being constantly sabotaged by criticism either from others or from myself. I hadn't yet figured out how to live that life, but I knew that change was necessary. An ember inside me refused to burn out. I had started to believe that I deserved more.
When we realize we are strong enough to have survived and maybe even thrived through adversity, we begin to see ourselves in a new light, as survivors - maybe even warriors. Once we begin to believe that we deserve to be treated with love, we also decide that we won't allow others to continue to hurt us. When these truths combine to give us the strength needed make true changes in our lives we are on the path to loving ourselves. Check out my previous blog post entitled "How Do I Love Myself Anyways?" for 4 Actionable Steps to learn how to love yourself!